


Four Simple Rules for Dating The Avengers

by Charli



Series: Incident Codenamed 'Hot Sauce' [2]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers Tower, Funny, Inappropriate Humor, Innuendo, M/M, Masturbation, Sexual Humor, penis plant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-30
Updated: 2017-09-30
Packaged: 2019-01-07 05:32:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12226767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charli/pseuds/Charli
Summary: The sort of sequel to 'Two Superheroes Walk Into a Bar'"So now they had three rules. Three simple rules which allowed for the smooth day to day running of the Avengers Initiative.Rule four was born the moment Tony went poking around in Bruce’s lab after hours."





	Four Simple Rules for Dating The Avengers

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Attack of the Killer Penis Plants (Head Shot to the Eye)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2231310) by [lightly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightly/pseuds/lightly). 



> Please see the 'inspired by' link to learn of the origins of the mysterious penis plant by my good friend Lightly.

It was supposed to be like Fight Club, in that the first rule of the Avengers Initiative was that you didn’t talk about the Avengers Initiative. Unless you were Nick Fury and then you pretty much didn’t talk about anything else.

That was also supposed to have been the second rule, but then they had to amend it so that the second rule of the Avengers Initiative was that you didn’t talk about the incident codenamed Hot Sauce.

In fact Fury had gone so far as to outlaw all bottled hot sauce from any and every SHIELD establishment that might have cause to serve such condiments. After the “incident”, the small, seemingly innocuous bottles of such brands as Tabasco, Franks and Cholula, were seen as representative of a significant threat to the Avengers Initiative.

Actually, in one heavily redacted and currently filed in a secret location Code Name Hot Sauce document, Fury had actually crossed out the word ‘threat’ and replaced it with the word ‘aphrodisiac’. And he was determined to keep any and all temptations away from his team.

Which ultimately lead to the third rule of the Avengers Initiative: Do not lend gloves (plastic, leather or otherwise) to Tony Stark.

As if Captain Steve Rogers hadn’t been traumatised enough by Thor during incident Code Name Hot Sauce (and the fact that Barton kept telling him he was suffering from Post Tabasco Stress Disorder), he and Dr Banner had yet to recover fully from the occasion when they all responded en masse to an emergency call from Stark Towers and burst in to discover Tony spasming in pain, his engorged manhood caught and squeezed in the vice tight grip of the hand of his currently malfunctioning Iron Man suit.

What made it worse was that the metal hand was sheathed in a black leather glove and that Jarvis appeared to stuck in a programming loop, constantly repeating “Do you like that Sir? Shall I go faster? Do you like that Sir? Shall I go faster?” in his pedantic English monotone.

Thor had freed Tony’s priapism from its Iron Man prison by virtue of having the strength of a Norse God, and also by being the only one who didn’t object to handling Tony’s penis.

And so now they had three rules. Three simple rules which allowed for the smooth day to day running of the Avengers Initiative.

Rule four was born the moment Tony went poking around in Bruce’s lab after hours. He liked the lab. It was cool, quiet and orderly, and not at all like his own workshop. Tony recognised the small potted plant on Bruce’s desk and chuckled. The packet of seed from which the plant had sprung, had been a secret Santa gift (from Natasha, Tony suspected) and had simply been labelled ‘Penis Plant’. Bruce had gamely played along and germinated the seeds and was now proud owner of a small green plant, with long wide leaves and what appeared to be the start of some flower buds.

Tony picked up the plant and gave it a poke. It quivered slightly under his touch and then fell still. He blew on it softly and the leaves stiffened and then relaxed. Tony looked around the room, no one else around, just Tony, the penis plant and a laboratory built specifically to study the effects of gamma radiation. What to do, what to do?

After another quick cursory glance over his shoulder, Tony popped the plant into one of the smaller radiation chambers. He reasoned that a quick burst of the old gamma rays might actually cause the plant to finally bloom, and he really liked the idea of a plant with tiny penises dangling from it. Plus it would upset the hell out of Steve. Bruce wouldn’t be bothered, he was boringly Zen about everything, but if Tony could lure Steve back here after hours, then he could traumatise him with some flowery penises.

Tony flicked the computer on and his fingers skipped across the keyboard. Several pieces of equipment started to hum and then Tony hit send and, well it was a lot like putting a fork in a microwave. The radiation chamber crackled and snapped and everything felt a little like a bad fifties sci-fi movie, and then there was a loud bang, followed by silence, the faintest whiff of ozone and a thin swirl of smoke drifting lazily up towards the air conditioning vent.

“Whoops.” Said Tony and retrieved the sorry plant from the chamber. He was disappointed to see that it didn’t look any different, unless you counted the wisps of steam emanating from the curled up ends of the leaves. “Sorry” Tony apologised to it and put it back on Bruce’s desk. He glanced around, no major damage; no one would ever know he had been here.

*

The instant Bruce entered his lab he knew that Stark had been in there, fiddling about. There were clues everywhere, such as scorch marks on the smallest radiation chamber, a slight aroma of charcoal and oh yes, a gigantic green leafed plant with a bunch of what appeared to be generously sized fleshy and veiny penises complete with hairy testicles nestled therein.

Bruce approached the plant cautiously. It started to quiver and suddenly a bunch of one eyed trouser snakes were uncomfortably staring him down. The eyes winked at him and glistened with a single drop of pearl. Bruce suddenly had the horrible revelation of what had occurred overnight and he took a step back.

The door to the lab hissed open and Steve came bouncing in like a blond, muscular and exceptionally hot Tigger. Bruce held up a hand in warning. Steve froze. “What is it?” Bruce pointed at the plant, which was still quivering with each budding genital now fully erect and pointed angrily in their direction. All the colour drained from Steve’s face. “Stark?” he asked weakly.

Bruce nodded. “I think he’s exposed the penis plant to gamma radiation.”  
“What does that mean?”

Bruce swallowed sharply “I think it means we won’t like its penis when it’s angry.”

“Maybe we could throw a sheet over it and then burn it.” Steve suggested.

It was as if the plant had sensed their intentions and began to shake in earnest. Without warning a fully grown and erect penis flower was ejected from the plant and hurtled towards Steve, who ducked quickly, causing the member to smash head first into the lab door keypad. It fizzed slightly at the electrical contact and then proceeded to ejaculate its nectar all over the same.

“Time to leave.” Said Bruce, but the door mechanism was fried and he didn’t have to time to try and force it because another penis was hurled at his head. Bruce tried to avoid it but he was unsuccessful and was smashed in the face by a hefty pair of bollocks for his trouble.

Its blow caught him off guard and before he could recover another cock missile was launched, and this time it wrapped itself around his neck and pinned him up against the wall. The penis was ridiculously strong and the more he tugged at it, the more engorged it became.

Steve meanwhile, was having his own personal nightmare. He too was pinned; face first, up against the wall, his wrists restrained by the tumescent penises. Even his super strength seemed to be no match for the might of these members. “Bruce!” he shouted in a panicked voice, “Bruce!!”

Choking, Bruce croaked back “Little busy here Cap.” And continued to claw at the cock around his throat.

Something was happening to the penis plant, one of the penises was seemed to be growing and changing colour. “Oh my God,” squeaked Banner.

“What?? WHAT?” cried Steve?

There was now a giant green penis, it must have been a good twelve inches in length, standing mightily erect from its leafy bush. A giant, green, seemingly very angry penis. Two smaller penises flew out from the plant and attached themselves to Steve’s waist band. As they started to tug his jeans down, Steve started to scream. Bruce closed his eyes, this was bad. This was very bad.

The hulking prick detached itself from the plant and, using its testicles as roller balls, it waddled across the floor to Steve’s ankles. Steve was still pinioned, with his ass bared to the world and weeping uncontrollably. “I was saving myself,” he whimpered, “I was saving myself for Tony.”

Bruce raised an eyebrow at that death bed confession: Stark, really? The Captain really was full of surprises. Unfortunately he was also about to be really full of giant green cock.

The very angry penis began to inch its way up Steve’s leg, closer and closer. As it reached his buttocks, the head lifted and seemed to sniff the air. A small dribble of precum trickled from its slit and lubricated the swollen bell end.

The penis nudged its way between his ass cheeks, and centred its tip on Steve’s very tightly puckered anus. Steve braced himself for the onslaught but before the giant green cock could penetrate his virgin ass, his one true love, Tony Stark, in his Iron Man suit, exploded through the laboratory door.

The penis raised its head and looked sharply at Stark. It ejaculated loudly and angrily in his direction and then proceeded to thrust itself into Steve’s rectum.

“Ohwoahoh” cried Steve, and bodyslammed hard up against the wall.

Stark took a step towards him when Jarvis interjected, “If I may sir, Dr Banner appears to be turning blue.” Tony turned and let loose a short burst of his repulsor on the hairy sack of the cock bent on strangling Bruce. 

The penis fell to the floor and began to shrivel. Bruce collapsed, coughing and pointed at Steve, who was being well and truly rogered by the mutated plant’s genital offspring.

Tony grabbed the giant green testicles with both hands, as they were only part of it still visible from Steve’s behind. Tony pulled and Steve moaned. Wait, was he moaning with pleasure? Tony released his grip and Steve sighed. Well didn’t that just about take the giant green hairy penis. Captain America getting royally butt fucked by a penis plant. Thor was going to be so disappointed to have missed this. Still, thought Tony, if Cap was going to get butt fucked by anyone then Stark liked to think it would have been him.

Tony charged his repulsors and, with a deft flick of the wrist, blasted the green dangling bollocks, ripping the cock out of Steve’s ass and sending it flying across the room where it hit the window with a loud splat. It gave an angry dying whimper of disappointment and then withered and died.

Tony caught Steve as he staggered back, released now by the members that had held him. It seemed that killing the cock master had caused all the offspring to fall into a flaccid state.

Bruce dragged himself over to them. “Is he okay?” he asked. Steve had his head buried against Tony’s chest, whimpering softly, “He’ll be fine.” Said Tony confidently. Bruce put a conciliatory arm around the Captain. Stark looked at the them both and a thought crossed his mind, “Anyone up for a spit roast?”


End file.
